I thought about this all day. Maybe for many days. What could I have done differently with my life in order to be a NG blip?
What dreams could I have driven myself to acheive?
I drove myself through university. I was the top student in my second year and graduated in the top 15% of the entire university. I chose where I wanted to work. 2 years after working at my "choice" job I was a wreck: 20kg (50lbs) lighter, biting my nails, not sleeping, not eating...
All my hard work and drive amounted to squat.
Six years later and I'm married, have two kids, live in the outer suburbs and I'm infinitely happier.
And yet I am surely now judged a less successful person. But it has taken much more courage and motivation to face the job of mom. There is no status, no pay, no gratitude, no interest from the wider world, no magazine interviews...
It was far easier to set my sights on something 'higher' and to strive to get out of where I was and then to feel good about myself. But to settle where I am, accept what I have, work hard and still feel good about myself is proving to be the toughest challenge yet.
When I had my first son I went back to work when he was four months old. I went back to work one day per week and my son was looked after by my mom. Then I increased my workload to two then three days per week and my son went into daycare. And I felt better for myself. I went to work and sat in a room with no windows and sorted through the messy finances of small businesses. And I felt like I was achieving something that was valued by the world. While my son sat in daycare. I was doing something so un-important and yet considered more important by most. Members of my family have talked of their family's strong work ethic and how it is all important to have a job. At the time I thought, 'oh yes, working is important for myself and my family,' but now I'm more inclined to think that tip-tap-typing away at small business financials while someone else feeds, cares, disciplines and plays with my child - isn't actually the best thing for my family. But it is so hard to put the same motivation into being a mom and the accompanying 'home duties' as I did into my job.
Putting aside personal ambitions for the benefit of my family and to try and drive myself in this environment has taken a lot of courage. It would be so much easier to say to myself that this is just a blip in my life to get over and then I will be back at work where I was appreciated - I shall just get through this.
It wasn't that we needed the money. That would be an entirely different kettle of fish. We didn't and don't need the extra money. We eat well, live well, travel and spend time together happily. I won't ever be able to buy more time with my family. Who is to say that huge sacrifices now, such as working full-time in order to retire earlier to spend time with my family, will be worth anything in the future. If I give up time with my children now, who is to say that they will even want to spend time with us when we have met our financial goals and can spend time with them. What do we as a family actually need? A house in a better suburb? More shoes? It is my hope that when I am older that I my kids still will want to spend time with me because I don't fancy sitting in my closet hugging my shoes.
It has been so much harder to embrace this life and NOT try to set my sights 'higher'. My satisfaction, self-esteem and general happiness depends on my self-talk - recognising that I am in fact doing something that is so so important to myself and my family and that I am infact achieving. And I'm happy for the moment.
My grade 8 (?) English teacher, Mrs Neilson, played Realized Your Dreams by Rita Macniel, for us and it has always stuck with me. Maybe because I grew up on an island or maybe because I'm a homebody. Some of the words:so you never left your small town
with your friends when things got way down
and stood between the tall trees
threw all caution to the cool breeze
and you stayed home on the island
and you watched the evening sunrise
and you never thought of leaving
even when the winds blew cold
and I've seen you at the station
with your arms outstretched and waiting
to welcome home the travellers
who went searching after dreams
and you never fail to mention
how your life's been one dimension
and you smile at good intentions
knowing well they'll never see
all you want or ever needed
you found here without leaving
its the drifter and the dreamer
who often fail to see
in the heart that never wanders
lies a peace that comes with morning
it's knowing when the day is done
you've realised your dreams
Desperately uncool, but lovely.
What do you think about all of this? I'd love to know.
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